How to Be Happy

Background

Personal Balance for Happiness

A Thirteen Step Process

1. Gratitude. The mind constructs its own reality that is largely independent of its surroundings. Happiness is a choice and it is possible to construct both negative and positive realities. Since the choice is arbitrary, there is no reason to construct a negative reality unless one wants that. A positive reality makes life so much richer, so it is preferable.
   
   To construct a positive reality, I restrict my interpretations and internal talk to what is neutral or positive. I try to be thankful for the positives. I try to find something every day to be thankful for. I surround myself with positive people. I recognize the unique talents I have. I acknowledge and accept compliments graciously. I smile. I prefer uplifting materials and information sources, and if I am exposed to negatives, I look for the positives within them. I try to be aware that others have negative realities, and that's unfortunate for them, but I can let their negativity pass through me without changing me, since it isn't my reality. I avoid such sources of negativity.^[1]
   
   I have found a useful mental device for being positive is "clamp to zero." That means any time I encounter "negative numbers" coming in from different sources, such as colleagues, friends, bosses, internal attitudes, I ignore these and clamp my own interpretation of the situation to zero. That is, neutral, or a state of internal peace. If the source of negativity persists then I try to remove it or maximize my distance from it.
   
   
2. Very long term goals. Including good career goals. In a short term culture many believe in just winging it and doing what everyone else does. We see this at the top levels of business and politics where many have no idea what they're doing and are just playing it by ear. We see a lot of people betting on the status quo, or figuring their careers out one small step at a time. I believe that these do not create positive value in the world, whether economic or personal. Chances are that one will still be around in 30 or more years, and happiness comes from constructing a long, visionary value for one's life and accomplishing many goals of importance to one. I believe happiness should not be delayed or postponed or made contingent on any outcome, because it is achievable in the present. However, long term goals provide a context and sense of purpose to guide one's life.^[2]
   
   
3. I feel significantly happier when I exercise regularly. I include both aerobic and anaerobic components. For me, it helps a lot to have a workout buddy to motivate me. If I don't feel good just walking around outside can get the blood going. Studies have shown aerobic exercise can be equally effective as antidepressant drugs, although the drugs often wane in effectiveness over time, whereas exercise does not.^[3]
   
   
4. Eat healthy. I eat a diet that consists nearly entirely of whole plant foods. This means unprocessed vegetables, fruits, berries, nuts, whole grains, and seeds. I avoid too much fat or sugars, foods with corn syrup and maltodextrin, including soft drinks, highly processed foods, or any food with a list of more than a few ingredients. I particularly avoid animal foods. See Michael Greger's book How Not to Die or his website nutritionfacts.org. He even has a chapter discussing happiness and plant-based foods that he calls "How not to die from suicidal depression." I avoid losing or gaining too much body weight and muscle, by eating nutritious foods like legumes, greens, berries, nuts, and complex carbs in moderation, instead of empty calories. I avoid over- or under- eating or skipping any meals. When feeling bad, I check if my energy is running down and grab a snack if so, ideally a long lasting energy source. If weight loss is desired I do it gradually by maintaining a healthy diet of low caloric density whole plant foods and increasing aerobic exercise.^[4]
   
   
5. I try to go to bed on time. This I struggled with until I met my wife. I feel better when I wake up near sunrise. This is because sunlight is a hormonal regulator, and due to the Circadian rhythm. Night shift workers have documented health problems such as heightened cancer risk and significantly shorter lifespan.^[5]
   
   
6. I socialize in moderation. People with little social support are more likely to experience depression, or further ejection from social circle due to perceived negativity, lack of reciprocation or social interest. What helped my socializing a lot was going to regular activities, such as rock climbing, Argentine tango, and practising being outgoing, asking people about themselves, working a room and talking to everyone. I found it necessary to go outside my comfort zone to overcome fears. It also helped me when I was single to be with roommates, or when I was in a relationship to be around my wife. I believe active listening and genuinely being interested in others is helpful. I also found it's best to make friends in a "repeated context," a class or activity that occurs weekly or bi-weekly, since then if there is a connection it can be more easily resumed every week as one builds up trust naturally with someone. On the other extreme, I've seen people who over-socialize, while gaining valuable social skills, are likely to neglect other life areas.^[6]
   
   
7. Stability in relationship. I am in a relationship: I try to be around one's significant other some, but I don't let them overwhelm me. When I was single, I dated some but tried to not let it get overwhemling. Love can add happiness, stability, and longevity to life. Married people live up to ten years longer on average than unmarried people. Like anything, relationships are harmful if taken to an extreme, because independent self-development is stunted, and if one's happiness depends on another person, emotional instability results.^[7]
   
   
8. I try to have strong connections with a few good people, rather than superficial ones.
   
   
9. I try to be close to family and mend disputes. I recognize that everyone is flawed -- I give and seek forgiveness if necessary.
   
   
10. I like caring for and helping others. As an engineer, I like helping people solve problems.
    
    
11. Impermanence. This is an idea borrowed from Buddhism. Many variants of Buddhism present Nirvana and the detachment from all material things as a main goal, for the prevention of suffering. In my view this is an extreme that is contrary to finding balance. However, I like Buddhism's advice on not clinging to material phenomena or things that change or pass. I find it dangerous to cling to the past, or the future, or other people, or a car I want, or a job I want. The reason is that if I make my happiness conditional on these things, it is inevitable that I will have suffering, because the world is in flux and everything is always changing. Instead, I try to be able to experience the moment, now and be happy in this moment. Having long term goals makes me feel a purpose, but I try to not delay my happiness for the future, live in the past, or make my happiness dependent on transient material phenomena such as other people or objects. For me, happiness is now. I view it as being found within, not in objects or people.
    
    
12. Agency. I try to take actions that directly affect my life, and improve my situation. Agency gives people purpose and happiness, feeling that they have made a change. I avoid exerting energy on anything that leaves me feeling powerless. For example, I take up hobbies that involve building, constructing, composition, or creativity, where I make a change. I avoid exerting any energy on politics, organized religion, news, or other large systems where I am passive, have no effect, and my emotions are dependent on something beyond me (and especially if it is not a source of positive energy).
    
    
13. The outdoors. I find beautiful natural areas really spiritually and psychologically uplifting. This is also a great way to get in some exercise, which gets the blood going.
    
    

Closing Remarks

References